Well hey there world. It’s been a long while since I’ve really shared much of anything with the internet world and that feels like a weird thing. I didn’t mean to disappear. I had zero intentions of stopping sharing anything. But now that I stopped I really don’t know if I want to come back. I checked my Timehop this morning and realized that 5 years ago I began this blog. That is so crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I decide to log back into my website and realized that it’s been two months of silence.
One thing lead to another and I ended up scrolling back to the very beginning of Create N Plate way before it was even called Create N Plate and wayyyy before it was what it is now. I don’t know if I recommend wasting your time scrolling all the way back and looking at my 20 year old self and all of her photos and writing that was so innocent, pure, and less than “good.” Whatever that even means. But as I literally started from the bottom (of my site) and ended up here (on today’s post) I think that this post is going to go in a completely different direction than I initially thought that it would go.
Here’s the thing, I’m really conflicted in this whole internet world. Part of me wants to share all of the things I have going on and another part of me wants to delete everything and never look back. It’s like I’m being pulled in both directions and I really don’t know what to do about it.
I know what stops me from sharing about my life, it’s the people I know in real life.
(No offense to anyone directly if you’re reading this.)
It’s just uncomfortable when someone who knows you in real life but doesn’t necessarily know you that well as a person reads your words that you don’t speak out loud and just type onto a screen and then brings them up to you. Nothing will make me go inside my shell like a turtle being approached by a raccoon faster than someone who’s not close to me bringing up something that I wrote about three weeks or even three years ago. I know that I share the stuff and put it out into the internet world for literally anyone to access but man, it’s weird.
And there’s also the fact that I feel so much freakin’ pressure to be the best.
The best writing, photos, ideas, etc. I’m competitive and I have crippling perfectionism surrounding my creativity. It wasn’t like that back when I started this blog. I took a picture and uploaded the thing. No Lightroom, filters, VSCO, or anything. It was just very real and raw. Today I don’t do that and I’m surrounded by tons of others who also don’t do that. Which isn’t bad, there’s definitely a time and place for that type of creative expression but the fact that we are so saturated with professional level content all the time messes with my head and I’m sure I’m not the only one.
This combined with probably a bunch of other little things makes me end up not sharing anything at all. But that’s not fulfilling either.
I feel stuck between two places that I don’t know how to merge into one that aligns with me completely and feels good.
Part of me wants to say screw it about both things and just post whatever the heck I want whenever I want but another part of me very loudly screams for me to not do that and to keep hanging out in my private little world.
So I’m not really sure what the answer for me is and I don’t expect anyone who might read this to have an answer either. I think that I’ll probably share as I go along and just kind of figure it out. But here’s the most important part of this rambling post, I don’t want to quit writing and sharing my life on this website that I built for myself 5 years ago. A complete evolution of myself exists among these pages and I don’t want it to stop yet.